This post will exceptionally be in English. It is because I was asked to. After this speech, a guy came up to me and was enthusiast of only the gestures I had. This is an important topic, and so I will have it for English readers.
I had a speech at a party. It was prepared quickly, but I found the topic extremely relevant. It’s about feelings of inadequacy and stress. it’s about how life crisis and realization of love connect each other.
I would say I’ve had a life crisis for soon last 2 years. How does it feel? It feels I’m inadequate, not worthy. I judge and demand too much from myself and therefore; from others.
I see there is something immensely wrong with me, that I will carry throughout my life. And I’m ashamed of it! I find hard to accept myself as I am. I should be more. I demand and expect myself to do things in order to feel myself worthy. I’m not able to love myself until I deserve it some way. I have to achieve, get confession from others. Only then I can prove I’m worth of love and acceptance.
Therefore I set up conditions for love. That leads up to my past. I didn’t get attention from my parents anymore when my little brother was born. He got all the attention. I had to do and achieve something in order to get noticed, to get that nourishing love and care my parents radiated towards my little brother now. I also exist! I also deserve love!
Or when I watched aside as my big brother and dad argued about school success. I didn’t want to face a situation like that in which I felt my dad wouldn’t accept me. I didn’t want to argue. I decided to be good at school that I could bypass those situations and my dad would appreciate and accept me. I interpreted that in order to feel loved, I need to fill certain conditions for that. I have to prove I’m worth it.
I got almost a burn out at high school. I didn’t feel accepted there. I wanted to get attention inside social circles but I didn’t and that stressed me. I felt left alone. Then I got unsuccessful at school and that made me feel even worse. I felt conditions were set up again. I should be something else to gain confession and confirmation from others. I needed acceptance from others.
What I call a life crisis started actually much later. I felt deeply in love. Finally I felt accepted and got confession that I’m lovely and unique and worthy. I was TOTALLY in heaven. Then after a short period of time she quickly left away without any message. I was left alone with my emotions. From heaven I fell to the deepest bottoms of desparation, hate, self-pity, anger.. and inadequacy.
That time I was once walking down a street in a bubble of suffering (and hangover). It was ”winter”; moist, rainy and cold. I saw a cafe and spontaneously went inside. I was the only customer. The salesperson was a compassionate woman. I could talk her about my state (current description of that state came later. That time I said I was heart-broken). Finally she hugged me and said: ”You know, you are always newborn. You are reborn again, in every single moment. Forgive her, forgive yourself”.
After that, I felt woke up! For the next hour, I felt light and tender inside. Everything around me seemed still, so present, so purposeful. However, eventually those good old guilt/victim oriented mind patterns came back and I felt heart-broken again.
I survived through that big falling and era of desperation. I didn’t fall to an instant psychosis. Afterwards it felt like a miracle. I started to feel that there must be a purpose in all this, like someone would want me to survive and get cured.
Like some higher power directed me towards light at the end of the tunnel. And that light wasn’t coming from an approaching train. Instead that light was poured inside me through those holes and wounds of my fragile, beaten up mind, someone saying in background: ”the light is in you”…. In me?
Love is never inadequate
I really enjoy one song from Earth, Wind and Fire. Years later I really started to listen lyrics: ”I’m a blossom in the sun. Sunshine of love”. I am loved, someone loves me so much that I will always survive. And that someone.. It’s in me. That brings a warm feeling in my chest.
”I love myself. Love is never inadequate”. Of course! I love myself. I’m the only one I’ll ever really have and I’m so beautiful and unique! And so are everyone around me. Love is sincere, unconditional, independent on how are you like. It’s in all of us. Love is beyond the control of mind (Of course we try to control it, though).
Since now I’ve been aware of ”but”-word. Think of these sentences: ”You cleaned the house really well, but.. there is some dirt on the floor” or ”You are such a nice guy, but.. I’m not fond of you” or ”This food is so good, but… can I have some ketchup?”. I know, these situations are difficult, but processes of feeling inadequate can be really subtle in normal life.
I can understand my parents as they are also products of their own childhood and parents. They did the best they ever could. I can forgive them. I forgive myself. It is intriguing how sensitive can a little child be. I am just a silly human and that is enough. I don’t need to stress about acceptance because I accept myself the way I am. I don’t need to feel inadequate and worthless because I love myself.. the way I am. And so are you. You are enough the way you are. You are beautiful, a blossom in the sunshine of love. Love is enough and so are you. No reason to feel inadequate.